katorpehan | I, too, dream of being kabe-don'd

[Whenever someone catches Haru in his struggle with his emotions, he's never sure if to be annoyed or grateful. Maybe a bit of both. If Rin just left already, Haru wouldn't have to stand here and feel awkward. But Makoto did tell Haru that he should be more open with his emotions... so if this gets weird, Haru can always blame him.

With that mental reassurance he's given himself, Haru makes up his mind.]

I just...

[Haru looks into Rin's eyes, determination in his own.]

Wait, before you go.

[Ah hah. So there is something on his mind. It isn't very often that the two of them have a heart to heart conversation and on the rare occasion it does come up, Rin's certainly the loudest of the two, but Rin's ready and waits regardless, unafraid and even curious.

He stares back and crosses his arms, his look calm for the time being.]

All right. What for?

I wanted to--

[Haru takes a step closer, as if that would help steel his resolve, so he wouldn't be tempted to turn away without looking even weirder than he does right now.

He wants to say what he feels, but he just doesn't know how. Even now, he still doesn't have a lot of practice in these matters. Not out of shyness, just out of avoiding anything that could be annoying... it sounds like it would be so simple to do, and Haru can't help but feel frustrated at his continued loss of words.

How could he really show Rin how serious he is about this? He remembers seeing a part of some romantic drama Mrs. Tachibana was watching once-- and while nothing like those interested Haru, he remembered something one guy did...

Taking a quick glance over Rin's shoulder, he checks out the opposite wall.]

[Wanted to--? Rin tilts his head again and his brows furrow a bit in mild annoyance. That only increases when he catches Haru glancing off behind him too and after a moment he looks over his shoulder as well.]

Oi, what the heck are you looking at?

[Nothing but a wall back there from what he can see. Tsk. Haru can be a little too weird sometimes.]

[The wall isn't too far to reach, Haru figures, so it's either now or never. And if he backed out now, all this inner struggle would be for nothing and Rin would just be annoyed. That makes it an easy choice now--

Haru lunges forward, both palms hitting the wall.

The thud resounds around the room much louder than he expected. They're almost exactly face-to-face, but Haru doesn't draw back. Adrenaline rushes through Haru-- even if he doesn't really know where he was going with this, this feel like it's working.

Two centimeters of difference in their height doesn't matter much, Haru thinks, when he keeps his gaze steady and intense.]

[He's about to turn and face Haru again--maybe to try and ask the same question while he's at it since Haru seems so keen on being quiet tonight--but his words end up lodged in his throat when suddenly two arms come up on either side of him and with a quiet, surprised gasp Rin steps back and ends up pressed to the opposite wall.

... Uh.

Wide eyed and with hands pulled in towards him, Rin stares back at his friend for a few stunned beats before finally speaking up, the tone of his voice just a bit tense given the circumstances.]

... Haru?

[Haru doesn't blink as he stares into Rin's eyes, hoping to impress how seriously he feels about this.]

Rin.

[Completely disregarding any kind of personal space bubble at the moment, Haru leans in even closer, eyes lidded. His voice is low and quiet as he finally says the words aloud.]

I just... want you here more.

[That's not even the words in Haru's mind. Not completely.

But it's already something that takes a lot of effort for Haru to work up the effort to say. And Haru isn't the kind to work up effort unless he really means it. Sure, they're both fully aware of their conflicting schedules, so it makes Haru's admission pointless as far as changing anything goes...

Maybe Rin will even just think Haru is being weird or won't understand, will just think it's just a simple few words, but at least Haru's said it.]

[... Rin is not sure what's going on and he's not so sure he wants to find out anymore, but with the way things are going and with how close Haru's honing in, he's too stunned to do much more than stare and gape. Ok, maybe he can lean his head back and bump it against the wall, but other than that he has no idea what he's supposed to say or do in this situation!

... And somehow he's even more confused that he was before when Haru decides to give a verbal explanation. Explanation used very lightly here.

He takes a second to stare a little more before darting his eyes left and right then proceeding to stammer a bit over his response, brows furrowed and face slightly red.]

Uh-- O--Okay? I can try to come back next weekend or something, you know.

[But more importantly and irritably,]

... Haru, I'm going to miss the train if you keep standing like this. Wha-- Why do you have to stand so close to me anyway!?

[Though he can do it with less effort than this most of the time, Haru can't help but feel at least a small sense of accomplishment at getting Rin all flustered. That feeling is at odds with a pang of disappointment at the same time, as well as the urge to raise a brow at Rin's words.]

You're always getting close to me.

[Haru can recall a time when Rin was the one to do this to him-- if it wasn't old history under less pleasant circumstances, Haru would be quick to remind Rin of that. It was that moment that he could understand Rin's feelings, at that time... But all of that does ignore that fact that Rin is going to be late if Haru keeps this up.]

The morning train. What about that?

[he asks, moving neither his arms nor his face away from Rin.]

[He frowns at that and snapped back.]

So, what, you're exacting some sort of weird revenge on me!?

[Typical defensive tactic from Rin. When backed into a wall--literally or figuratively--bare your teeth and growl and hope for the best. By now though, he should know better than to expect Haru to back down, especially considering the two of them were destined rivals from the start. Still, there would be no harm in trying and try he would... at least that was the plan before Haru decided to interrupt with that suggestion.

Though in this context it sounds like more of an order of some sort.]

Haah?

[Soon enough, Rin's leaning forward as well, breaking even more distance between them so he can try and peer directly into Haru's soul. Did he slip and hit his head?]

What are you trying to say?

[There are times that Haru thinks he's not being clear enough, and then there's times like these-- times when he wishes he could hit his head against the wall and hope that he has a skull as thick as Rin's must be. Getting Rin to really understand him is a real struggle, but like all challenges put forward by Rin (intentional or not), Haru is not going to back down.

Not fazed in the least at Rin's bravado, Haru lets his eyes roll back for a moment, but keeps his expression and voice level as he responds.]

I told you.

[Haru knows he's kept Rin at arm's length in the past, and for that he can't entirely blame Rin for not understanding or being wary in turn. But he doesn't even care for once that Rin can see into what his true feelings are - maybe just this once, just a little - as it would make this so much easier. And since Haru's already started on this path with this weird... wall block he's done, he might as well try to work on that a little.

It's not like anyone would say that Haru is the most conventional conversationalist.]

I want you here more.

['I told you'. Yeah, he told him he wanted him to stay around more, but what is this? Why does he feel the need to put Rin in this position? Even if it passes his mind, Rin doubts this is Haru's form of revenge; Haru just isn't a vengeful spirit to begin with. But if not that, then what? This is something he only sees in the movies, you know. Something better suited for stupid soap operas and late night Japanese game shows, none of which suit Haru at all.

It annoys him to no end that Haru's being so vague--or maybe this really is all flying over his head--and soon Rin reaches up to grab both of Haru's wrists, hoping to pry him off.]

I told you I can come back next weekend, didn't I!? Isn't that enough for you!?

[Only with those words does Haru's eyes waver, and he offers no resistance when Rin has him by the wrists. There's a good deal of dramatic things that Haru thinks about saying, however briefly-- like "how can that be enough?!" But there's a limit to how much he can do with already so much doubt in his heart.]

Is it... enough for you? Because it's not. Not for me.

[Maybe that was weird and vague, but it's all he can muster without his voice giving him away again. Every word exhausts him. He feels like a child, grasping for the right words and only feeling more frustrated as he can't ever say them.

Damnit, Rin.

Don't make it sound like you're just indulging me...

He wants to at least hear that Rin wants to see him more too, as impossible as it is for now. Some kind of assurance that Rin feels the same way. Or anything that could possibly salvage this stupid idea. But as Rin will inevitably leave, probably rethinking next weekend, Haru will have to take an extra long soak in the bathtub and try to forget all this.

Haru is never going to trust Mrs. Tachibana's choice in TV programming ever again.]

[With Haru successfully pried off, Rin takes a step forward to give them some space again, but the look on his friend's face gives him reason to pause again and stare back, uncertain. Haru's never the type to emote, but what he doesn't show he properly expresses in those eyes of his, unwavering and bright as the sea itself. He might not completely understand what's happening here and maybe he doesn't even want to... but he can't let this weigh down his conscience later. He can't leave without sorting this out.

Dammit, Haru.

Releasing Haru's hands, Rin lowers his own back to his sides.]

I really don't get you.

[he grumbles, glancing away briefly as he rubs the back of his neck. Then, a little quieter,]

What is enough for you?

[Haru wishes he could say. He knows that Rin has no compunctions about leaving as he needs to-- and though Haru understands better than he did back in grade school and middle school, he still can't help but feel...]

I don't know.

[Like he's being left behind.

Maybe it's selfish. But it's the danger of getting too attached to someone who's as free as the wind like Rin, when Haru's always wanted everything to be constant and unchanging.

Haru lets out a shaky sigh, voice still quiet.]

You used to annoy me so much in grade school, when I saw you every day. But...

[It could almost make Haru laugh at how the tables turned.

But how can Haru make Rin understand when he doesn't fully get it himself? He knows he enjoys spending time with Rin, and it's fun... but it's not just that. Whatever the feeling is, the worst part is that he feels alone in it.]

[It isn't the response Rin wants to hear because it only leaves his question hanging, but he exercises patience and as the last bit of sun disappears over the horizon and leaves the foyer dark and cold, he unconsciously shivers and hopes Haru won't notice. He's never felt out of place around Haru. Not really. He's never had an issue being comfortable even from the moment they first met. But– Something about this isn't right. It's not constant and unchanging like Haru is. It's not what Rin's used to seeing.

It's strange and new and he doesn't know what to do with it.

His eyes fall on one of the floorboards at their feet as if there's something particularly interesting in it and despite his uncertainty, Rin still manages to click his tongue and speak.]

... Spit it out already.

[With how close they both are right now, it's impossible for Haru to not notice. Especially when he's analyzing every little motion Rin makes, every shift in expression. Body language can tell Haru when to press forward or pull back-- others might not see how much Haru picks up in these things, what he notices when he's quiet. Though that can only do so much good when he doesn't know what to say.

He wants to close the door to make it more comfortable for Rin, if also something that would give him a second or two of distraction. But he doesn't want to look like he's boxing Rin in again, seeing how well that worked out. So he partially closes the door, leaving it open but not letting the cold evening ocean air blow on Rin.]

I just told you, I--

[But he doesn't continue that sentence, knowing enough by now that it would do no good for either of them to say. Rin won't understand until Haru can say this plainly, to be upfront about his feelings. Something he's only saved for the time he most needs to. Would this be a time like that? Is it really necessary that Rin knows about Haru's real feelings? What keeps Haru from cutting his losses and agreeing to see Rin every now and then like he always has?

Well, other than this situation feeling hopeless as it is, and Haru has nothing to lose since either way, Rin will just think he's crazy. Haru has lost all of his ability to look cool, shaking with the effort that every word takes. What he wants to say is not coming out of his mouth... it's easy for Rin to "spit it out" when he wants to say something, something that Haru could envy.]

I l--

... like you--

--being around.

[When Haru shifts and turns to shut the door a little more, Rin does feel a little warmer, but the lack of closeness between them feels odd, which seems odd to say in and of itself since closeness isn't something he and Haru particularly cared for before. They've always kept a comfortable distance between themselves, side by side and within arms reach... Tonight's sudden twist, however, leaves Rin confused, grasping at thin air trying to understand what the hell Haru's attempting to express. He almost wants him to do it again just so he can have a better look, so he can really look at his face and read his eyes and maybe, maybe he'll start to make sense.

It's that confusion which spurs on even more aggravation and leaves Rin even less satisfied with Haru's response than before. After a moment to consider his friend, Rin shakes his head and frowns. His voice rises slightly.]

That's not everything you want to say.

[He isn't an idiot. He knows hesitance when he sees it, his perception having always been so sharp. So he stays by the wall, feet planted firmly to the ground and fingers clenched loosely at his sides.]

... It doesn't matter, if you don't feel the same way.

[All he can sense from this all is that Rin is just getting annoyed. Of course, since Haru is being so opaque about what he wants. But if there was any chance of Rin feeling the same as Haru, he probably would have noticed some kind of sign by now. Right?

He's remembering why he's usually kept his guard up around this man. Opening up to him could be the greatest joy or the sharpest pain... and Haru is, truthfully, scared of taking chances. He prefers everything to be the same as it always is. The polar opposite of Rin. It only reminds Haru just how weak his "freedom" is...]

Just forget it. If you run, you can still catch the train.

[Not that Haru blames Rin, or hates him for not sharing the same feelings. He knows he'd be annoyed by himself too.]

Edited 2015-09-07 18:56 (UTC)

[As perceptive as Rin can be, it's surprising how easily certain things can fly right over his head. Right now is one of those times... though with how Haru words his response, he can't help but feel suspicious now. What does he mean by 'feel the same way'? This is all too dramatic to be concerned with hanging out longer...

He's still frowning by the time the other boy suggests Rin leave and rather than concede and leave the conversation on a sour note, he instead chooses to hold his ground, because he knows better and despite his frustration he wants to know more. There's something Haru isn't telling him. There's something behind all those words and actions and suddenly being so disappointed in seeing Rin go. A long time ago Rin might have been hard pressed to see Haru desire his company at all, and though nowadays he's much more open, well– This is different.

Once again, he raises his voice, demanding and adamant,]

You expect me to leave when you're like this? When you haven't even explained yourself more?

[An upset Haru is not only annoying, it's hindering. They're rivals and teammates after all. And when Haru slows down and when Haru picks up the pace, Rin can't help but reflect him for reasons beyond his control.]

I can't just brush this off like it's nothing!

[Haru almost wants to laugh, full of bitterness and guilt, when he thinks about those times when Rin hung on his shoulder, always bothered him, transferred over to his school just to be on a team with him. If Haru could go back and change things... well, at least, he'd be nicer to him.

But why does Haru have to feel like there's some great distance between them now? Just because Rin isn't obnoxiously close to him now doesn't mean their relationship wasn't important to them both (Haru hoped)-- besides, even back then, Rin still didn't have any problems with leaving.]

Why not?

[Haru raised his own voice in turn. All of his nostalgia is pointless and Haru hated how he's worked himself up, just for the inevitable result of feeling worse off by the end. He can't look at Rin right now, he can look anywhere but at him. That cool, impassive facade is long gone, face twisted up in frustration at the both of them. His throat feels tight, his stomach is turning, and his eyes sting--]

Just call me some... some kind of weird idiot and leave. It's nothing that you'd care about!

[It would make this whole situation a lot less painful. Not that it wouldn't still give him a great deal of hurt. Haru was afraid that Rin would do just that-- brush him off. But now he feels that would be getting off lightly now. He doesn't want to damage their friendship anymore after what they've been through, but all of the words that are spilling out, all of the words threatening to spill out only make things worse.]

[It's just like clockwork now. Rin's frustration echoes Haru's and vice versa and soon they're both raising their voices and turning their peaceful evening into one of conflict and anger. It's not something he enjoys, but, that said, Rin did provoke Haru and he did so even knowing the consequences. He's lived his life doing this anyway, pushing and prodding at the other boy without worry or fear or even consideration for his space, so why stop now? If anything, after everything they've been through together, that habit has only increased both in frequency and intensity. So he uses it to his advantage, knowing he's starting to back Haru into his own proverbial corner, and after scoffing sharply, Rin drops his backpack down on the ground with a loud 'thump' and steps forward to break the distance between them even more.]

That's not for you to decide!

[And with that he takes another full step with arms stretched out so he can try and push Haru back against the opposite wall this time, mirroring what he did earlier with fingers splayed and feet pressed firmly to the ground. Fine. If that's how Haru wants to play, then Rin can play along.]

Now quit not making sense and tell me already. I'm not leaving until you do!

[It's said with all the stubbornness of a child, really, and as he glares back into Haru's eyes, his own bright red and challenging... but all the same just a touch uncertain. Sure, he's pissed, but– This still isn't like Haru. Rin had some right to be worried, doesn't he?]

Edited 2015-09-08 11:25 (UTC)

[Haru should have seen that coming-- he can't believe it's used in those romance dramas when it's only served to make this situation worse, risking their whole relationship. Well, actually, it's made worse by Haru thinking it was a good idea to pursue this conversation at all.

His eyes open wide in shock with how sudden it felt, but after a glimpse into Rin's eyes, he quickly looks downwards. Yes, he knows Rin is serious about this just from seeing his face. But it only means revealing the truth would be harder. What are Haru's feelings, really? He's never felt anything like this before, which makes this even worse.

He considers the words "what if you hate me for it?" but he figures that Rin will press on anyway. Because Haru can tell-- once Rin sets his mind to something, nothing can deter him. Even when it comes to trying to pry into Haru's well-guarded feelings. A trait that Haru admires... most of the time. It just leaves Haru with no choice. Maybe getting it off his chest would at least put an end to this frustration.

But even if Haru told Rin the truth, he can't do anything about making sense.

Swallowing, his throat feels painfully dry.]

Because h-how--

[He lets out a shaky sigh. Here's to losing Rin again... but this time, it really is all his own fault.]

--I... feel about you... I-I've... never felt about anyone. Before.

Edited 2015-09-08 22:29 (UTC)

[Being the romantic swimming maniac that he is, Rin's seen enough of those romantic dramas in his spare time to have gotten this little maneuver down in a pinch, though of course if asked about it, he can always pin the blame on his sister on mom for making him sit through them on the weekends. Anyway, he's here now and even if Haru isn't looking at him, at least he has him in place. With luck, maybe they'll actually get somewhere too.

Maybe sometimes he admires Haru's soft spoken attitude too, because Rin can be harsh and Rin can be forward and unguarded and often times that isn't what the world needs to see. It's that thought which at least has his shoulders relaxing even a touch, eyes never leaving Haru's face or losing their fire, yet softening once he hears that shaky sigh.

Now the words that follow-- Rin tilts his head a bit, curious.

Maybe now it's starting to make a little more sense. Maybe.]

... How--

[Now it's his turn to avert his gaze for a second, not entirely sure how he's supposed to approach this.]

--How do you feel about me?

[He bothers Haru, he knows that, even if he says he enjoys his company. So... what's he getting at exactly?]

["You've changed my whole world, you're adorable and amazing, and I want to punch your mouth with my mouth, you oblivious dork" will probably not be the best thing to answer that question with. It would be a vague summary of Haru's feelings, though-- that latter part only just became obvious to him just now. Haru could search within his heart to figure out that much. There was no mistaking it. He really wished he didn't, because no way can this end well at all.

But...]

Please.

Don't hate me for this.

[... he can express it without all of these words getting in the way.

So, on another impulse, just like what drove him to pin Rin against the wall, Haru's decided. He looks right into Rin's eyes, steels his nerve before he can change his mind, scrunches his eyes closed--

--and leans forward to remove any mystery about his feelings.

Their faces are close enough that it doesn't take much effort to close that physical gap between them at all. It can hardly be considered a kiss when their lips barely even brush against each other, but that's as bold as Haru is willing to be. Rin will probably already be freaked out, scream, push Haru away... he doesn't know. But at least he finally answered the question.]

I, too, dream of being kabe-don'd

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sorry for the delay! big power outage made my internet disappear for days.

eep, are you okay? (also sorry if it's more melodrama than you'd like)

I'm fine! (and pshhhh don't worry about it; I love drama so much)

It sounds scary (imagine if Rin ended up kabe don-ing Haru at this point)

just a wee bit (loooool it is entirely possible)

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(haru has... a bit of a problem with communication)

Rin is unfortunately used to this

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