[Haru is quiet for a moment, looking into Rin's bright red eyes, considering his words carefully. He has to start with the truth.]
I don't know.
[Placing his hands on Rin's shoulders now - more to steady himself than anything - he takes a deep breath. Perhaps it's easier to talk and let it all out, now that he's made his intentions clear without words. He still finds words overrated, wishes he could make his point all the time without them, but... especially when it comes to Rin, he realizes how important they can be.
So he's willing to try more.]
It feels like... since we met, it's been all different things. Impossible to pinpoint one moment.
[Haru felt some kind of emotion even at their first meeting. Even then, he didn't want to get too close to Rin because he suspected that it would bring change. Something that Haru feared in his secure and routine life. And as much as he tried to resist, he found himself being pulled in. Not just into Rin's plans, but into something else too, every time he saw that big stupid grin or heard him something corny and romantic...]
You always made me feel different. And that made me feel... scared, even angry. Because you put these new feelings in me. And you didn't know just how much it changed my life.
[Only the exhilaration of Rin returning his feelings provides the energy for him to stand now. Speaking like this feels equal to running a marathon, and even now his legs feel weak.]
Even if you did know... I thought, would it matter? What if it's only me who feels like this?
[Enough time between then and now let Haru mature enough to figure out that Rin didn't want to leave him. Not specifically. Even if he was bitter in the year he wasn't there, at the middle school he felt Rin should have attended. After that, though, it still felt like Rin could change everything without even knowing. Like when they raced in that one winter, when Rin came back to Japan for high school... surely Rin only cared for swimming faster and proving himself, not for Haru. That's what he thought at the time. Yet Haru couldn't get Rin off his mind.]
So I tried to ignore it. Tried to fight against it. Drown it out.
[Taking a deep, shaky breath, Haru hopes that Rin understands. It's not been an easy journey for him to come to this realization.]
But now I'm glad that I didn't win that fight.
[After all that agonizing, and not knowing what the future may hold, Haru still feels certain that it's worth it. It will be all worth it.
no subject
I don't know.
[Placing his hands on Rin's shoulders now - more to steady himself than anything - he takes a deep breath. Perhaps it's easier to talk and let it all out, now that he's made his intentions clear without words. He still finds words overrated, wishes he could make his point all the time without them, but... especially when it comes to Rin, he realizes how important they can be.
So he's willing to try more.]
It feels like... since we met, it's been all different things. Impossible to pinpoint one moment.
[Haru felt some kind of emotion even at their first meeting. Even then, he didn't want to get too close to Rin because he suspected that it would bring change. Something that Haru feared in his secure and routine life. And as much as he tried to resist, he found himself being pulled in. Not just into Rin's plans, but into something else too, every time he saw that big stupid grin or heard him something corny and romantic...]
You always made me feel different. And that made me feel... scared, even angry. Because you put these new feelings in me. And you didn't know just how much it changed my life.
[Only the exhilaration of Rin returning his feelings provides the energy for him to stand now. Speaking like this feels equal to running a marathon, and even now his legs feel weak.]
Even if you did know... I thought, would it matter? What if it's only me who feels like this?
[Enough time between then and now let Haru mature enough to figure out that Rin didn't want to leave him. Not specifically. Even if he was bitter in the year he wasn't there, at the middle school he felt Rin should have attended. After that, though, it still felt like Rin could change everything without even knowing. Like when they raced in that one winter, when Rin came back to Japan for high school... surely Rin only cared for swimming faster and proving himself, not for Haru. That's what he thought at the time. Yet Haru couldn't get Rin off his mind.]
So I tried to ignore it. Tried to fight against it. Drown it out.
[Taking a deep, shaky breath, Haru hopes that Rin understands. It's not been an easy journey for him to come to this realization.]
But now I'm glad that I didn't win that fight.
[After all that agonizing, and not knowing what the future may hold, Haru still feels certain that it's worth it. It will be all worth it.
Whatever may come, Haru knows one thing.
Wall pinning makes a lot of things happen.]